LOST: 30-something Woman

Cranky coughy

I. am. so. over. this. cold.

Have I mentioned that being sick in the summer sucks? Have I mentioned that I am in week 3 of this freaking residual bronchitis/cold/allergy mess? Last night I woke myself up coughing severely at 2am. I was bleary and up until 3am waiting for some stronger drugs to kick in. I had a moment of panic that this will never go away and that my voice will remain hoarse forever.

Needless to say, I'm cranky b/c I'm tired. So, allow me to go on a few tirades......if you aren't in the mood, I suggest you skip the next several bullet points and meet me at the end of this post.

• I am at my 90 day or 3 month milestone at my new job. It's been ok. The drama is already starting. Why do I keep finding myself in jobs that are riled with problems? Basic: new SVP hired. I like her alot. She gets it, gets me, we have the same background and philosophy. VP who is my boss? I am more experienced than her she grew up in this company and is already starting to use me and taking credit for the work I do and passing stuff off to me. Our team is going to get completely reorganized. SVP and VP are now going to battle over who gets me. It was hilarious. Within 3 hrs the other day, each came into my office and shut the door to tell me their plan and "confidential" info. I just want things to get resolved that makes sense and get on with it.

• To the loser dude who not only growled at me and whispered disgusting things to me on the street. You are a tool b/c you did this while I was with my mother and she heard you. Ew. Clearly, you don't care or get it and that's just gross.

• It's hot, humid and summer in NYC. People - could you please consider putting on some deodorant? We have to cram ourselves on the subway b/c we all need to get somewhere. Let's try to make it as least offensive as possible. I have an idea. You know how marketers are always handing out free samples on the street these days? From a new energy drink to paper fans to packs of mints? How about handing out small samples of deodorant to remind people or to give them something to quell the stank while out and about?

Ok, rant over....whew. That felt good. What else? Swing dance classes -advanced beginner level- started this week. WOW. There is a big leap from basic class to this one! We got into class and the instructor came in, turned on music and said, 'Find a partner and start to warm-up". About 1/2 of us just stood there looking at each other like, 'what? warm-up? we know how to dance now?" This instructor is just off and running, had us doing spins, kicks, arm loops. I am glad I am a girl at this moment and not the lead or the guy. They have a lot of work to do. As the follower, you just have to do what they push you to do! I was making it up or just being spun around. Luckily, I figured it out. Still tons of fun, though! And very sweaty and you must wash your hands after class. You touch a lot of sweaty people.

I have started exchanging emails with a man who contacted me from my profile that I had long forgotten about. He's witty and interesting over email. He is recently divorced and is looking to date. I'm fine with that. I am enjoying our email banter and we are going to make plans to meet after he returns from his week long trip. The only thing ...he's older...which I like....but much older. Like 49 going to be 50 older, to which he had initially been evasive about, saying he was "in his 40's". Knowing that people have been known to fib (as I've experienced) I asked and he finally told me, "I was born in the 60's. I can tell you about it or make some of it up. I'm luckily not quite old enough to be your father. I hope that is ok."

Hopefully will be fun and nice to meet him when we do. I've only had 2 dates this year and we're midday thru 2008. Need to fix that. Besides it's summer a time to just chill and stay cool (literally and figuratively). Now if only my cold would go away and I could get my voice back.

Floopy

Cough medication makes me feel floopy. It's like hearing things while you are calmly and blankly sitting in an empty fishbowl.

*blink-blink*

I feel really relaxed and slightly sleepy, but not tired. Just sort of........I don't know. High?

Floopy.

It's the onomatopoeia of how I feel.
It's not that I've never taken cough medicine before or something, but usually I'm so sick that I am just sleeping or this floopiness numbs how miserable I feel. Now that I'm feeling a bit better, but still coughing, I took some so people at work don't think I'm a complete germ mess and it supresses my coughing. My freshman year roommate in college would sit in her loft bed in our room, with her friend and just drink Robitussen to get high. I would just look at them like they were stupid. I should've said to them, "Hey! what are you guys doing tonight? Oh, you're just going to get floopy?"

Reunion

My 20 year high school reunion is next year.

Yes. You read that correctly....20 years. TWENTY. Yes, I really am that old. I graduated in 1989.

*snort*

I got notified by an email from this girl from high school. I was perplexed at first as to how she got my email and then I realized that Franklin probably gave it to her. He's on practically every list or website that could possibly connect him back to high school. The email asked that we forward other people's emails we are in touch with who would be interested. I decided a long time ago that I was not going to go to my 20 year reunion. I went to my 10 year in 1999 and it was *yawn* a bore and people didn't even know who I was! In fact, they thought I was Franklin's girlfriend. Until a few times I said, 'actually, I was in your art class or english class"

It seemed really weird to me since I apparently don't look all that different (considering I keep running into people from freaking GRADE school who remember me!) and since I was like one of 5 people of color in my high school class!

I don't have ill-will about high school. I wasn't traumatized by it or anything. In fact, it was typical!  Fun, had a blast, had teenage angst, fought with my parents, made some great friends. I just don't have much desire to go b/c I only spent 2 years at the high school I graduated from. I went to 3 high schools! We moved and stuff. Therefore, my attachment to high school is minimal. Moving to a school when you are a junior isn't easy. I pretty much made friends and was friends with just those people for 2 years. Most of the people I went to high school with have known each other since kindergarden or at least junior high school, so I can see what the attachment is or means. I remember at the 10 yr, not having much to talk to people about who I didn't even know - whereas, my friend who I went with were much more excited to talk to all sorts of people they knew at different points in their school lives.

Not to mention, when I went to the 10 yr (with Franklin, K80 and another friend), while it was nice to see some people, and see how some people had changed. I felt bored midway thru the evening.  I remember that by the end of the night some of the jocks were still acting stupid and rowdy and it was just a turn off.

When I mentioned this to my mom over the weekend, she said how she would love to go to her high school reunion. Of course, my mom grew up and went to high school in Taiwan and her class was really small (so I hear) and I could see how she wanted to know what happened to them - since she grew up with all of those people. She then asked me if I didn't want to go b/c I was embarassed that I was still single and unmarried. I fell silent for a moment, knowing that wasn't the reason. But, it did strike me b/c I think there IS a part of me that feels a bit different or thinks that people would be surprised that I am not married or dating or whatever.  I then explained how I just don't feel any attachment to people there and that I stayed in touch with people I cared about. She agreed and said, she had forgotten how many schools I went to in my teen years and saw how that would make me feel that way. Then she said, "You know you should go....you never know...maybe you could date one of your old classmates who is also single! I've heard of it happening!"

I love my mother.....but really.....could she be any more transparent with her desire for me to date and meet someone or what?

LMAO!!!

Confirming Advice

No longer should women be confused about what men really mean. Look! There is a book by the guy who helped write, "He's Just Not That Into You". Shall we be perplexed no more......

What His Breakup Lines Really Mean

Every relationship goes through some bad times. Like the time you caught him flirting when he thought you weren't watching, or the time the ex called and left a sultry message on the machine, or the time when the two of you fought like angry reptiles when one of you decided it was okay to spend the bonus money on the latest turbo tool. Certainly, though, the most awkward and uncomfortable time in a relationship comes at the very end of it - the time when the two of you (or at least one of you) decides it's time to divide the iTunes account and move on.

No break-up is easy, and many guys resort to some old standards when it comes to conversational gambits in the final moments. This will help you decode what his cutting lines truly mean.

"It's not you; it's me."
Translation: "It's not me; it's you."

One-third of men admit that they're lying when they blame themselves for the demise of the relationship. Of course, they're trying to soften the blow a bit - to ensure that you know you're a great person, a caring person, a person who's perfectly right... for someone else. After all, if you were the right one (for him), it wouldn't matter whether his mind was somewhere in Iceland; he'd find a way to make it work.

"I'm not ready for a relationship right now."
Translation: "Whoa baby, slow down!"

Most guys - though they can come off as more desperate than a brewhound in a dry county - take their time testing the relationship waters. If a woman comes on too fast - with talk of futures, or of how she's never felt this way before - then the man often will be likely to retreat. Fast. It's not that he's not ready for a relationship; it's just that he's not ready to decide whether "Mony Mony" should be in the second or third set of the reception playlist.

"Can I call you sometime?"
Translation: "If you're ever lonely at 3 a.m. on a Saturday night...."

Well, he may or may not be that crass, but he is trying to keep the door cracked. If he's the one who's doing the ditching, then he's (unfairly, mind you) trying to lead you to believe that a break will strengthen the possibilities of some kind of rekindled romance in the future. If he's the victim, then he's trying to hang onto any slim chance he may have in the future with you (or possibly one of your friends). Either way beware the drunk-dialing ex; professors have actually studied this and concluded it's not without its pitfalls.

"I still care about you."
Translation: "Please don't tell your friends I'm a jerk."

Truth is, he probably does care about you. Still cares that you do well, that you find someone, that you get what you want in life. But what he's also saying is, please don't tell all your friends to cross me off their lists. The relationship may be broken, but it's a pretty big concern that his reputation remains intact.

If a guy's behavior seems perplexing, sneak a glimpse into his mind with this eye-opening article about men, women and their breakups, "Get Over Her"  by Greg Behrendt, the "Sex and the City" writer who also wrote the book He's Just Not That Into You.

Froggy

I sound like a frog. I should just ribbit or croak when I answer the phone or talk. I lost my voice. I have a upper respiratory cold. I'm overall fairly miserable. My throat is raw. When I cough it's so intense it rattles my head. Nothing like having a cold in the summer!

It started on Saturday night, I was in SF (yes, I flew to SF on Thursday nite, what a nightmare. 3 hrs delayed. Sat on the tarmac for 2 hours, arrived in SF at 1am - whee! That's 4am EST!) for a wedding. My first same-sex wedding! Woohoo! Legal, too! Rock on! As N said, "This is the most hetero gay wedding you will ever go to." and she was right. More on that later.  That night after the wedding, my throat felt like I had been screaming all night long, which I wasn't. By Sunday night, I was hoarse and my throat hurt even more. Monday? No voice and I had to get on a plane where I thought my head might explode from the pressure. Thank goodness for Tylenol PM!

I have been home all day. Yesterday I managed to drag myself to work for about 4 hrs before I just thought I might lay down in my office. I was coughing so severely, I think my office mates wanted me to leave anyway.

I probably should not answer the phone -- as someone today thought they dialed the wrong number when they called me. Actually, he thought that I had maybe had a really rough night of partying. Yep, that's me....partying and coughing up phlegm!  Oh so sexy.

Me. No. Likey. Being. Sick.

I need to get another lozenge. More soon.

Is this a hint?

My friend MK has not been on a date in over a year. She called me on Saturday to help her identify or validate if her brunch with a guy yesterday, was indeed a date. After hearing the situation, I 100% agreed that it was a date. This is a guy who is part of a business mentor/networking group she belongs. She's known him for awhile and they attended a conference recently and he kept calling her and suggested they should go out for brunch sometime. He called and texted her repeatedly and she finally agreed to meet up with him. She called me this afternoon to tell me about it. Brunch turned into a 5 hr date! I was very excited for her b/c she is beautiful both inside and out and very much deserves to come out of her workaholic tendencies and date. All is good she tells me and he's flirty and affectionate. Did not kiss her on the lips, but peppered her with little kisses on the forehead and cheek, held her hand, etc.  She was perfectly fine with this level of intimacy, in fact she really liked the innocent and slow pace.

They sat on a park bench in Washington Sq Park and listened to some street jazz musicians. I congratulate her and tell her to go, have fun and enjoy. She then says, "But, Lost...he said something that is making me go...'hmmmmmm". At some point he told her that he just wanted to let her know that he is "emotionally unavailable" for anything right now. He had broken up with a girlfriend about 6 months ago.

While I appreciate that he is trying to communicate and share things with her, I couldn't help but be slightly skeptical or maybe puzzled, is the better word.  She is wondering why would he pursue and actively flirt and chase me to go out with him, we have a great time, clearly he likes me and then drops this "I'm not emotionally available" bit. Is this a bit of cop out? It it a hint of something? Is this disclosure that "I told you in advance, so if I decide I need to disappear, you know why?"

It's too soon to tell, I told her. But, I think weboth think it's a bit interesting and telling. Is there something to read between the lines here? This is a warning?

As I like to say.....

Disclosure does not absolve.

Bits

I came into work late today b/c I had to go the dentist for a cleaning and yearly x-rays. I swear the dental hygienist didn't really know what she was doing. I watched her plunder thru taking my xrays, dropping film disks, not knowing where the button was to take the xray just outside of the exam room, leaving me in a weird position with that plastic tasting dental film hanging out of my mouth. Oh yes, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Recall your last x-ray at the dentist.

Late to work, a few meetings, started planning/writing documents for next week and it's only 4:20pm and I'm...wait for it...wait for it.....BORED. So, I killed 15 mins going to get an iced tea and some gummi bears. Now I feel ill from the gummi bears. It's all that gelatin or whatever in them that makes them gummy.

Ha!

While waiting at the dentist I leafed thru Details magazine b/c Christian Bale was on the cover and I wanted to read the article about him. DETAILS is like the men's version of Cosmo. Subjects for articles included: why/when men don't wear their wedding bands, what types of guys will be trying to sleep with your wife and my favorite was telling guys that saying how "exhausted" or "tired" they are when asked how they are doing is not only pretentious but actually implies that you are a loser. FASCINATING. I might need to read DETAILS more often. It's funny!

Last night I had dinner with a former colleague of mine from my last job. Things at that place are still crazy and apparently they've finally hired a replacement for my fired boss Rainman. It only took 1 year and 2 months. While we were at dinner, Patrica Field came in with her entourage for dinner. She's now well-known for being the stylist for SATC and the movie. I remember when she had a store on 8th St between 5th ave and University Place when I was in college. It was this like crazy sex/punk/fashion store. I used to go in there and get crazy patterned black tights or fishnets to wear out clubbing. I know, I know...not the best look, but it was the early 90's it was about tight, spandex, mini's, doc martins and black. Back to Patricia Field, she had red hair with her black dark roots showing underneath and this very young guy  hanging all over her.

What else?

Oh, at swing dance class this week, Gym Tank showed up for like 10 mins and then left. He was actually dressed nicely, like he came from work. When we rotated partners and I got to him, it was awkward. He was like, "LOST! HOW ARE YOU?" and he tried to give me a kiss on the cheek and a big hug. I managed to avert it and then our instructor lead us into the next dance pattern. He asked me how my week was and then he got silenced b/c he was so loud our instructor asked him to lower his voice. When we were asked to rotate again, he made a frown and said he was sad I was leaving him. 2 minutes later his cell phone rang and he left the class. He came back a few minutes later and a woman who was not at our class last week was there and he went up to her whispered something to her and gave her a kiss and then left.

Totes confused.

PL girl was equally confused when we talked after class. PL and I went to dinner and then went back to the 9pm swing practice session. Basically, it's like a school dance and you can practice. Or if you are really good like some of the people there who just want to dance. I danced with one asian guy who was really good. He said he only started learning 6 months ago! Then I got stuck dancing with a guy in my class who sadly has no rhythm or command of the basic step. I had to count outloud for him the entire time he asked me to practice with him. He kept saying, "your good!" and I would just smile. What he doesn't seem to get is that it would greatly help him if HE counted for himself, too.

I still really like the class though. Next week is the last week of the intro class. PL girl and I have decided to stick with it and we are going to sign up for the advanced beginner class! Woohoo!

I'm off to SF a week from today to attend my 1st ever gay wedding! I'm so excited! The whole gang is getting together and the ceremony is going to be on a boat in the SF Bay. I will need to take drugs though. Lost + boats = SEASICK

Advice at sundries counter

There is a newsstand/sundries store in the lobby of my building. I was craving some candy and they sell bulk candy there, so I went down there to pick up a few pieces to satiate my sweet craving. While waiting to pay, there were 2 guys who are clearly regulars there. Guy #1 was flirting with the girl at the register. She knows them clearly, but one kept asking, "So, when will you go out with me? Do you still have that guy?" It was all sort of playful jest. Guy #2 trying to be the wingman and help his buddy out kept saying, "he's a good guy. I tell you, he's a good guy." This whole joking laughing exchange is happening and then Guy #1 left. At this point, I am just wishing they would stop talking so I can buy my .10 lbs of candy for $1 and eat it. Guy #2 continues to extol the goodness of Guy #1 to her. Then he says.....

"I tell you. It's the guys you don't want that will make you happy"

Finally, I go to pay and he looks at me and says, "Right? Tell her" and all I could do was smile b/c he's probably absolutely right.

Something to chew on, no?

Bored and confused

I'm bored.

Okay. I admit it.

I'm in a new job and it's been roughly 7 weeks and I'm bored. How is this possible, you ask? I don't have enough work to do. The "team" is all over the place and we just got a new SVP and they are trying to figure out how to structure it or us. So, I guess during this time, I'm supposed to just sit tight. Great way to start a new job, eh? 

The heatwave finally broke here in the NYC area. Whew. Seriously, it was like living inside a laundry dryer, except there were no Bounce dryer sheets floating around to perfume the air and eliminate static cling. It's one of those things where you sweat, it dries. You sweat, it dries and so forth. By the end of the day you have about 4 layers of dried sweat and whatever else stuck to you before you dry out again.

PL girl, who is my new friend/swing dance classmate/neighbor said to me after class last night, "I need 3 things to make me really happy right now. A huge glass of ice cold water, food and a shower." I heartily concurred.

Week 2 of swing dance was fun! The class dwindled from about 20 people to 10 people. There is a guy in my class, who I will call Gym Tank. I don't remember him from last week. He came in and sat next to me on the bench in the studio before class started. For some reason, my ever-honing gaydar identified him as gay. He started with some small talk and then said, "Do you want to see a picture of my daughter?". I said ok, b/c really what else could I say? He hands me this rectangular 20 x 8 picture frame that he just picked up and that had about 5 successive shots of her. She's cute. I ask how old she is. Now, it really bares no relevance that he has a daughter and could be gay. I have plenty of gay friends with children.

However, during class whenever I rotated and got Gym Tank as a partner, I got this strong sense he was flirting with me. There is an open dance practice session every Tuesday at 9pm after our class. While we were dancing, our instructor came by and said that we as a dance couple had the potential to be really good and that we should go. Immediately Gym Tank asked if i wanted to go. I told him I couldn't b/c I had dinner plans. He then asked a whole slew of questions, where was I going? With who was I going with? Where did I live? I told him I was going with PL Girl. He kept saying outloud while we were dancing, "smaller steps! smaller steps" and I was confused. He finally said to me, "I'm not talking to you, btw. I am just saying it outloud to remind myself." I had to laugh. It was funny b/c I kept thinking prior to that, "I can't take smaller steps! I am small!" Whenever we were asked to rotate on to the next partner, he'd squeeze my hand and winked at me. The internal intuition in me was confused b/c I was thinking, "I'm pretty sure you are gay. Why do I detect flirting?". . Confused, I just went on to my next dance partner and focused on my basic step - slow, slow...quick-quick, slow.

Sac and I were IM'ing today and I was telling her about it and she didn't think his behavior was very straight-acting. Especially with the hand squeeze and wink. I just remembered when I was in the 7th grade we were learning square-dancing and it was really the 1st time that we were holding hands with boys involuntary and more intimately, while all of your pre-teen hormones start raging. I remembered that when boys liked you they squeezed your hand while doing the "promenade' step. Maybe that was just my school and that was just something that was the thing to do to indicate a boy liked you. Hence, my point of reference and confusion.

After class, PL Girl and I stumbled out into the oven heat and started to make our way back to JC to get dinner. She said to me, "Gym Tank guy? Do you know him?". I said no and she said that while dancing with her, he was talking to her as if he was my friend. She assumed we were friends b/c he told her he knew that we were going to dinner. Then she said, "Did you get the sense that he was flirting with you?" and I laughed and said yes and then said, "But, it's weird b/c I could swear he's gay." And she stopped walking and said, "OMG! YES! Me too! That's why I was so confused!"  Who knows.

I am really enjoying the class!  Since the class downsized this week, it was really great b/c most of the guys in the class are good leads and we got more space and could move on to more steps b/c we are about at the same learning speed. I shall continue to try to solve the case of Gym Tank guy....gay or not. I'm bored. Did I mention that? I need something to keep me entertained. :-)

Other topic ----- I've been completely obsessed with the song "Mercy" by Duffy. Check it out....it's good stuff.

Migraine

I spent my Saturday during the first real heatwave of the summer, laying on my floor trying not to move waiting for a migraine to run it's course.

Fun times.

Nothing like a combination of PMS, heat and probably over MSG'd food to have you just feel like someone is using a stick to poke out the back of your eyes, light sensitivity, vomiting and just wanting to be put out of your misery. I am susceptible to migraines, I don't have them often. I think the last one I had was 2 yrs ago.  For some reason, when I get them, the only position that I can tolerate is laying on the floor, with my feet propped up at a 90 degree angle. I don't want to lay in my bed. I just want to remain perfectly still.

The image I had of how I felt was like that scene in "The Matrix", when that guy who is chasing Neo around (hang on, let me consult imdb.com...) Agent Smith cracks and explodes when Neo figures out he is 'the one'. Remember that? That's how I felt. Imploding.

Therefore I stayed inside when I felt better on Sunday. Heat does migraine bad. I did manage to go to the mall with my mom for a bit. Ahhhh......a/c in the mall.