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...the following to me b/c I just don't get it....
Just wondering......
Posted at 11:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
I don't know what is wrong with me. I am CONSTANTLY hungry and yet nothing sounds appealing. So, I get food and after 3 bites or so, I've decided I don't like it. Which then leads to being even hungrier later on. Maybe I need to get my blood checked....something is off. Or maybe it's b/c I'm just not eating enough.
I digress, as I often do. I'm just struck by it b/c I'm sitting here and I'm hungry, but I don't want to eat anything b/c nothing sounds good! Except junk food!
Anyway.....
Idea Guy and I hung out again yesterday. All was good.....again. And you know what? It's freaking me out on a variety of levels. Usually, I feel like most of the irrational insecure thoughts I have are just in my head. However, Idea Guy is turning out to be one of the most communicative and perceptive guys to actually call me out on it! Which in turn, freaks me out even more.
He came over to the JC yesterday afternoon. We walked along the waterfront and just talked and stuff. He was thirsty, so we stopped at a one of my favorite places to get a drink. We wound up staying there and having an early dinner. He was quite affectionate and touchy, which on a whole was quite enjoyable.
It was funny b/c it we had not yet hung out together in daylight. I know that sounds funny, but we have met afterwork and these days it's dark at like 5:30pm! We've also then started drinking and with wine goggles on and then dim lighting you get a very different image of someone.
He looked different in normal daylight. Not bad, but just different. I'm glad we met beyond evening light. It felt more relaxed (not that our dates haven't been). We did a lot more talking and (at one point during the 5 hours we were together!) he made an extremely astute observation about me and what impression that it gave him. He was 100% accurate and you know what? I had no idea I was doing it.....or moreover how someone would read it. I think that usually I feel like I'm so in control of myself that no one can see the insecure thoughts that are running thru my head.
It stunned me so much. I just sat there in silence, until I could find the words to respond. We had a good conversation about it ....a very honest one, which actually felt good. To be able to have such an authentic, no pretense, real talk about something fairly personal.
Of course, what smacked me in the face afterward, was that I really have some emotional scars (like we all do) from my past that I have been completely unconsciously giving off (or thought i had under control!). It is humbling and actually kind of intense to acknowledge it outloud....to someone you've just met.
We've all heard, during our analysis of ourselves, our friends...or whatever of people being so afraid of getting hurt that they shut themselves off or put up proverbial walls to shelter themselves. I've always understood that analogy. However, last night was the 1st time I've acknowledged to myself that I am ACTUALLY doing it.
Our minds really are an INCREDIBLE thing.....they can trick us into believing anything we want, if that desire is strong enough.
What am I saying in this very reflective and cryptic post??? I am saying outloud that I have some things I still need to work on and if I want a successful relationship when the right guy comes along, I have to deal with it. This has less to do directly with Idea Guy.....however, he is revealing that he might be a good guy for me to try and experiment with working on this issue of mine.
It's time to rip off the band-aid, peeps......
Back to Idea Guy....things are good, I think. I still like him. He still likes me. I think we're in the early dating stages and it's just the right pace for me. The trust monster inside of me is trying to tell me otherwise, but I'm trying to get it to take a Valium! He's leaving on Friday for about 5 days on a business trip. Both of us are both fairly occupied this week and we don't have any plans to see each other before he leaves. When he left last night, I said, "If I don't see you before you leave have a great trip" and he said that he'd call me.
We'll see.
Posted at 12:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
I am pleased report that Idea Guy and I went out on our 2nd date last night.
We had a great time!
I say this with complete confidence because I got an email this morning confirming that he really enjoyed hanging out with me last night. It's nice to get validation, even though my gut was already telling me so.
It was easy, comfortable and relaxing, actually. We met for dinner at one of my favorite restaurants. I arrived 1st and ducked into the restroom. When I came back to the bar area, he was sitting at the bar. I walked up to him and said hello and gave him the greeting I give to most of my NY friends....a quick cheek-to-cheek air kiss. We sat down. We decided on wine and food. And we started talking....and talking...and talking. I was slightly stressed after a bit of a frustrating day at work, so I was a bit low on energy and had a light headache. I had decided on my walk to the restaurant that I was going to probably remain a bit more quiet b/c I needed to decompress a bit. I also wanted to get to know him better and I wanted him to show me more of who he is. I say this b/c I think on meet & greet or 1st dates (well, I tend to do this) I try to keep everything moving along. So, I do feel a bit "on", if you will. I think usually both parties are just trying to keep things fun, especially if you realize that there is a bit of a *click* of interest.
He picked up on my vibe immediately and told me that there was no pressure, we'd eat and just relax - that we shouldn't think about the fact that it was a date. Cute....and you know what? It worked. In fact, I'd say that the 1st 30 mins, we both just took a deep breath just chilled out. Then...once the food arrived and we had some wine....we just moved back into "date mode" -- by which I don't mean we tensed up -- but we just started talking and learning more about each other. After the dishes had been taken away and we were finishing up our wine, he reached over and just sort of wrapped his hand around my forearm and just .....held it.
It was nice and I smiled. I was sort of laughing in my head b/c it was a gesture of, "I'm trying to find a way to touch you but you are sitting across from me. I think I want you to know that I like you, but reaching for your hand across the table might be a bit too much - and now I've randomly reached out to you and somehow am holding your forearm and it's sort of random, I know."
We sat there for a moment (ok, it was probably 2 seconds at best) and smiled at each other in acknoweldgement. He asked if I wanted to go somewhere else, I agreed. I probably did not need to have another drink, but I didn't know this until we ordered and I drank it. When we walked down the street, he put his arm around me -- which I have to say....was....really....nice......it's been a looooong time.
At the quiet bar we went to, there were mostly just couples at the little 2-top tables. He kept shifting his chair to get as close as possible to be near me. I think this is where we went from proper to a bit tipsy (well, at least I did) and his liquid courage enabled him to lean in and kiss me.
And it was good. I say. :-)
Of course, I got a bit embarrassed b/c I opened and eye when he hugged me and noticed couples staring at us and then I realized, we were "that" couple. You know, the one hugging and kissing and sometimes you just want to throw something at them? Well, the good thing is that we were NOT being disgusting or overt. He tried to kiss me again and I coyly whispered that people were staring at us. He didn't seem to care, or so he said. So, instead we decided to leave. He kissed me again outside, got me a cab and texted me goodnight.
I like him.....you haven't figured that out yet. He's got a very calming affect about him that I like.
Whoa. This is just so strange.....in a good way, of course! ;-)
Posted at 11:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
I feel like I am on the 12-Step Dating Recovery plan. I am entering Step 2: Completing a 2nd date OR Seeing the person more than once.
Btw- I should mention. I don't know what the other 9 steps are. I'm going to possibly make them up in my head, as I go along.
I say this b/c I am going on a 2nd date with Idea Guy on Wednesday night. I am excited by this prospect b/c it has been almost a year since I've made it to a 2nd date with a guy. Last November, I had dated Director Guy for 4 dates before things fizzled for me. I am hoping that I can break another wall in my dating rehab recovery, breaking the record to 5 dates..... Step 5 might be to check for continued interest in the person. We'll see.
He has asked me (jokingly, of course), if we should consider this Date #2 or if we should call it 1st Date - Part Deux. I told him we should be more confident in ourselves and declare it Date #2. Of course, if it were a continuation of our meet/greet/Date #1 - I wouldn't really be at Step #2 and I really want to slide into Step 2!!!!
Are you still with me?
He has given me license to pick the locale. Must ponder where we should go.....
Friday night at 1am, I was already in bed when my cell phone went off. I had forgotten to turn it off. I got out of bed and looked at it. To my surprise, it was the Ex! Let's recall. I haven't heard from the douche in 6 months. I really don't have much to say to him. So, I didn't pick up and it went to vmail. I was curious, of course, as soon as the little icon indicated I had a message I listened to it. I really wasn't sure what I was expecting, which was perfect b/c what I got was stifled noise b/c he had unknowingly dialed me from his pocket. I could hear his pounding steps and background noise. I listened for some conversation, but I didn't hear any. I could hear muffled voices and background noise, but I didn't hear his voice, so I assume he wasn't talking. I laughed b/c I was sort of hoping I would hear a conversation. About a month ago, a friend's phone had done the same thing and I heard 15 mins of a conversation b/w the friend and another friend who were out drinking. It was clear enough that I heard everything down to them ordering another round of drinks and saying "thank you" to the server.
Don't worry, it wasn't a totally personal conversation. They were just talking about random things. It was funny. I also told respective friends that I heard them.
Whatever.
Posted at 03:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)
I have breaking news.......
I meet Idea Guy with no expectations last night. What I knew is that he was probably going to be a nice, down-to-earth guy. I have been very fortunate lately to have gone on nice dates. The problem was there was no chemistry. This is a VAST improvement if you have been reading about the years of dating I've been doing. I feel like I have archives of weird, not good and entertaining dates. Interestingly, I had basically forgotten what Ideo was going to look like. My online subscription expired 2 wks ago, so I no longer had access to check his profile before we met last night. I couldn't get a refresher on what exactly he looked like. I had an idea of what he looked like, but fuzzy. I felt relieved and happy when he walked in and he was cute and better looking than I remembered.
We had some drinks and talked for nearly 3 hrs! I learned a lot more about him and we learned that we have a lot in common and have lived somewhat parallel lives. We had been joking that this was going to be a "practice date" to relieve the pressure of meet & greets. However, he pointed out toward the end of the 3 hrs at the bar that he thought we underestimated ourselves....that we didn't need to practice date. We should've just gone for a date.
We left the bar and I asked if he was hungry b/c it was 9pm and we had pretty much just drank a bottle of wine together without snacks or food. He said he would love to! So, we made our way to a place to get some food. While eating he declared that he was having a really good time and that the meal portion of our evening was now a 1st date - we then toasted to having had essentially 2 dates in one night.
Outside, he offered to walk me to the PATH station, but it would've been out of his way and in the opposite direction of where he lives. I insisted that he didn't need to. He gave me a hug and kissed me on the cheek. But then he pulled me in for a hug again and held me there for awhile. When I pulled away he went to kiss me on the cheek again and in an awkward moment b/c I didn't expect ANOTHER cheek kiss, our lips wound up square on each other.
LMAO!
I laugh b/c I think secretly that's what we both wanted to do anyway! It was just a peck. Nothing lingering. The kind that is quick, like when you are saying goodbye to your mate when you know each other well. The neat (yes, i just used the word neat) part is that the whole evening was very easy. Comfortable and relaxed. There is a slight flint of chemistry....it wasn't like an explostion, but I'll take it!
He has a friend visiting him this weekend from out of town, so he suggested we get together again next week.
Oh!!...was that an *oink* I just heard flying over my head??!???
Posted at 11:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)
I walked into the elevator. It was me, another woman and a guy. As the door was shutting someone appeared wanting to get in and the woman made an attempt to open the door again for her to catch us. The woman felt bad b/c the door continued to close and she realized that she had hit the "close" button vs. the "open" button.
The guy went on to say how he always purposely hits the "close" button b/c he wants to go without waiting. He said that he gives the impression of him "looking" like he was making the effort to keep the doors, open...when really he was just sealing the deal to close it.
The other woman looked at him stunned.
I was just standing toward the back of the elevator trying not to laugh b/c the look of disbelief on her face was funny, as much as his brutally honest admission.
Posted at 01:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Did you know that there is a DAY (as in a day of the week or a date that you can now sheepishly put into your Outlook calendar to remind you) being designated as Ex Day?
Did that make any sense to you? Perhaps, no? I don't blame you.
October 16th is Ex Day. Meaning apparently it's a day to celebrate your ex-boyfriend, husband, girlfriend, partner or perhaps maybe and ex friend. While I'm at it....you could have an ex-tax guy, and ex hairdresser and ex-dentist. But, I think you get my drift.
CBS has a show calleld "The Ex List" and I guess despite it's lackluster ratings they've got some real genius marketing folks b/c they are partnering with 1-800-Flowers to recognize a day that people should be encouraged to contact and ex and say, "w'sup? remember me?". I've never seen the show. Have any of you? You can send flowers, with a special bouquet. It has carnations and daises in it. It looks benign and happy. 1-800-Flowers - Ex Day Then again, it's all white. Isn't white typically the color of flowers at a funeral?
I just looked at the site at CBS. Hey, isn't that actress the one who played Dr. Karev's psycho love interest last season, who had a hysterical pregnancy and then killed herself? Just wondering....
Of course, this day really asks the question - do you really want to be in touch with your ex? The whole campaign is about reconnecting with the one that got away, or possibly re-kindle a love. While I understand that people do contact ex's and sometimes amazing love stories flourish. I am thinking that the fact they are an ex --- there was probably a reason. I understand the fantasy though.
Case in point -- I had, if you recall, restarted communication with my ex about a year ago. While it seemed good at first and gave me some closure after 3 years, in the end, it became clear that the reasons we weren't together had not changed b/c he continued to be a bit of a douchebag even as a friend. We haven't been in touch in about 5 months now. I'm over it. Of course, that's just my perspective. I have friends who are friends with ex's, good ones, actually.
I wonder how many people are actually going to send flowers to their ex. Would you? I wouldn't.
I think it's ok to wonder about your ex. Maybe reach out to that person if you felt like you needed to, wanted to, and were curious and cool with it. What I can't imagine though is sending flowers to one. I wonder how many they will sell?
Maybe this day (if it even exists next year) will just become a day to memorialize and give you permission to think about your ex in a safe and "ok" space. For a day. Just a day...or not....
Posted at 02:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
It's springall today in NYC!
Yes, I just made up that word. It means it's FALL but it feels like SPRING outside! I love it! I was being mocked last week for still wearing open toed shoes and flip-flops last week, but see.......now the weather is TELLING me it's ok! Well, at least for another few days.....
Heh.
With Springall here - I started off the week in a bit of a emotional dip b/c my recent honest and candid admission that I am lonely, decided to strike a fist into my heart and head. I hate when that happens b/c it makes me feel like crap and it also sends me into panic mode. Neither emotion I enjoy, nor should anyone enjoy. I feel better now - I went and worked out and boy!! Those endorphins they talk about?? Yep - they REALLY do the trick to boost your serotonin levels!! Ok, I'm being snarky....but you should expect that.
I am chatting/emailing with the one last guy from my recent online stint, Idea Guy. We were supposed to get together Tuesday, but then he had to work late. Then we rescheduled for Thursday and I got an email Wednesday night saying, "So, when should we get together?" I wrote back that I thought we had agreed on Thursday. He wrote back saying he had to work late again. I believe him, I think. He called me from his office on Tuesday night at 10pm - we got disconnected and I called him back and the automated operator for his firm picked up and I had to enter in his extension. We had spoken for about 45 mins the other night. Anyway...where was I? Oh ya....his bailing out on Thursday. It was slightly weird b/c he didn't just say, "hey - I can't make it ...can we reschedule". Instead it came across to me as if I had imagined that we said Thursday and me having to say I thought we had plans. His emails have been a bit passive - and I find myself repeating myself in emails. I should show you the email thread to prove it or show you where I'm getting this from.
I can't this weekend. Snakey is arriving tonight and we are hanging over the weekend and going to the Madonna concert tomorrow night, too! Woohoo! I told him that it would mostly likely have to be next week and that my week is filling up, so let's at least have a backup date. But he won't tell me what works. He's sort of adamant on meeting up on Sunday night after Snakey leaves.
I get it. He probably doesn't want to extend our meeting up in case it doesn't work out or he's not interested. But, dude....work with me here! Be a bit more definitive. I swear, that's what drives me crazy -- lack of being clear and putting stake in the ground. He's offered like Voice Guy, to come to the JC to meet me on Sunday. Wow! This is remarkable really. All 3 dates generated from this round of online dating have all been wiling to come to my hood! Which IMO says good things -- that they are all willing to you know, come across the 2.5 miles across the Hudson River!!! But, seriously the guys I went out this past round were all nice guys -- just not for me. I had lamented that I just wanted to have ONE good date -- and my wish was granted. I had 2 good dates. Now, maybe I should wish bigger -- have a good date that turns into something else! Baby steps....baby steps.
So, we'll see.....hopefully we'll figure something out.
In other news, Voice Guy sent me a very nice email saying that he wished that he could've seen me again - but he didn't ever really ask me out again, to tell you the truth. How he thinks I'm great and that he wishes me all the luck with dating, but that he wonders if we got too "emailed out" and that he misses our emailing (they were good, I have to admit). I know that he was probably working off of my cues, but...alas. I don't think it's meant to be.
Posted at 02:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)
One night while in Toronto last week, Shell and I had dinner with a former colleague she knows, who just recently moved to Toronto. We were all just talking about relationships, our current status in that realm and where we were in our heads about it.
We all shared our stories of our last loves, what worked, what didn't, how it had changed us, what we wanted moving forward. At one point, he asked me, "So, what is that you want?" or maybe he asked more directly, "So, you want to be married". It was something along those lines and I answered him without even hesitation that I indeed wanted to be married and it was my intention. I had a really interesting moment, the minute the words left my mouth. I heard myself. Outloud. The tone of my voice and then I really HEARD what I said. For some reason, it surprised me. Not in a bad way, but actually a good way.
He looked at me and said, "wow -you really do want that!". And then I felt this pang for some reason of, "wow, did that sound really desperate and girly?"It was weird. But it dissipated quickly and I straighted how I was sitting and said, "yes, it is". I have always known that I want to be married and have a family. But, as my life has yet to get to that point, I found that I have often started making little concessions to myself to get thru or maybe prepare myself for the possibility that it might not happen. Or perhaps b/c I am single in my *cough-cough* mid 30's, that I am really asking myself what it is that I want.
I don't think I just want to be married to have children. I don't think I want to be married to wear a ring. Nor do I want to be married to have the party, the ceremony and wear the white dress. I just want to find that person that I would give myself to want to spend the rest of my life with. My life partner.
Lately, I've found myself trying to make the distinction of finding that person and the identify of "husband". I hear people (ok, friends) say in our dating trials, "I know he will make a good husband". I should note I said this same thing about a guy I went out with recently. Then I wondered...you don't hear people say, "I know he will make a good life partner". What is the difference between the characteristics of husband and a partner? Do I separate between a husband and a life partner?
Am I making any sense?
I remember when I was with the ex and I was realizing that our respective ideas of what marriage was and meant was ultimately very different. Yet, we were both certain that we were each someone who we thought was "it" for each other...as in life partner. It was hard b/c I remember asking myself if would be possible for me to be with him without being married, as it felt like that was something he wasn't sure he wanted to do. I wanted to be with him so much. I loved him and was convinced that he was "the life partner". I told him that I loved him so much and wanted him in my life that if being married was something that he didn't want -- but that HE WAS SURE that he wanted me as his "life person" I could forgo being married. What I was saying was that I was willing to give up the concept and institution of marriage, if he would and could just say that I was his person.
It was really hard for me to say that back then. Mostly b/c I think I was surrounded by the pressure of MUST BE MARRIED - have the wedding, etc. But, I also remember thinking and being confused that me giving up the institution of marriage (which I do believe in) was really....HARD. I couldn't believe that I was suggesting that I would give up something so core in me for him...if he would have me.
Needless to say, clearly it wasn't meant to be. And in retrospect, I scoff a bit at my naivety that I would give up that much of what was important to me, for him, when he couldn't give me anything. But, enough about that.
Anyway....that night in Toronto when I heard myself say without a doubt and with a strong tone of my voice that I did want to be married - it surprised me b/c it was so visceral and certain - that I do want that. It was weird to HEAR myself say it with such conviction. But, I liked it b/c it affirmed it to me. It's like the gut was speaking outloud. But, what I realize is that I want to be married to my life partner. Not just have a husband.
Now -- does that mean that I will get married? Who knows. While it is my preference and desire to be married, maybe my "life partner" when I meet him, will be enough. Maybe as I continue to find him, I'll realize that actually being married may not be something I want anymore. B/c you know when you think you want something and then you get there and they realize you don't want it? I'm just sayin'....it could happen!
Right now, I would just like to find someone who clicks with me.
Posted at 11:53 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)
I have numerous and potentially random musings to write about that are just circling in my head. How to start, I don't know...but it will all eventually come out, me thinks.
It's been a bit hectic, but good 2 weeks. I went to Boston and Tornonto. Toronto was a bit disappointing as a city, but it was great to see Shell. Since it was a bit blah, we wound up just relaxing quite a bit, which was a nice switch to go somewhere and not feel the need to rush around to see things.
The country is a tizzy over the elections that are coming at us at a really fast clip. All I have to say is that it is really hilarious and freakish how well and how much Tina Fay can imitate Sarah Palin. What perfect timing and from the Republicans picking her to the fodder it provides is just pure brilliance and genius no matter which side of the wing you are on.
Spotted: Gossip Girl filming at the entrance of my office. S and a new man were macking out! I'm such a ridiculous fan of the show. This was especially exciting to me! I'm such a dork.
I decided that Voice Guy and I are not meant to be, probably not even as friends. He emailed me before I left for Toronto late last week. While I was away, I had some time to think about it and my gut just wasn't drawing me to make the effort. Although, I would welcome him as a friend, I don't get the impression that it would be what he wanted or if that would be ok, so why force something just for my comfort? I will send him a simple email stating so and I feel perfectly comfortable doing so b/c I believe that we achieved that level of honestly in our emails and in our conversations when we met. I wish him all the best, as I do the other nice guys I've met.
With that, my subscription to this online dating is once again nearing expiration. I'm torn once again, if I re-up it or if I gently close the door again, quietly for now. Still mulling on this one.
Posted at 11:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
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