Defriending

Pop culture and everything that comes along with it fascinates me. Lately many the impact that pop culture has on our everyday life has taken me to a whole other place of interest, questions and  to a certain extent frustrating me.

We live in the world of YouTube. Within moments you can see video from a performance, a celebrity or some random person's misfortunate embarrassing or hilarious moment, instantly.

I was lucky enough to score a ticket to the MTV VMA's 2 weeks ago at Radio City. Yes, I saw Kayne hijack Taylor Swift LIVE! It was weird. At first no one around me knew who it was, then I thought it was some created MTV stunt trying to be funny. It was evident that no....it was just Kayne being, as Obama said so perfectly, a jackass. I have now paid witness to a moment in pop culture history.

Facebook while initially fascinating, put me in touch with people I haven't thought about in decades or years. Now? This quick infiltration into our mainstream popular culture has gotten to be how you can: date, find out things about your ex's, stalk the objects of your affection, investigate people, or participate in the oversharing from people you know or just don't care about.

I kick myself everytime I learn something about my ex on Facebook. I don't care which ex it is! (Sadly there are several) When I see it something just makes me go, "why are we friends on FB?". It isn't b/c it's a good/bad that I see. It's actually irrelevant what IT is. Somehow it just makes me go, "what kind of "friends" are we that it makes me feel weird?". Maybe that's the thing. We aren't really friends. We don't talk. We don't email or communicate. We are virtual friends....or really, we are just connected in some way via our past. Who wants "friends" that make you feel uncomfortable?

We aren't in each other's lives. But we are in the virtual world.  I don't share much of my life on Facebook for this reason b/c many "friends" of my 150+ are people I haven't seen or spoken to in years. I have reduced the frequency of information I get about some people (a very hard to find function on Facebook, btw), but sometimes in moments of boredom, I go have a look.  Some times it makes me feel bad about myself. I call it emotional cutting. So...as a result, I've started to embrace DEFRIENDING. It's weird and feels mean to do it. But, I am starting to realize it might bring me some sanity. It's like trying to stay on a diet. If you don't buy the cookies, you are less likely to eat them. If I defriend someone b/c they aren't good for my diet, I won't feel bad and gain emotional weight.

When EQ was visiting recently, we had a long discussion about DEFRIENDING. We were curious about what it was and what happens. So we did an experiment one night, sitting next to each other with our laptops. The sight was probably incredibly modern and nerdy. I defriended him.  We wanted to see what a defriended person might experience and how fast the DEFRIENDING results take place. It's immediate, btw.  We then immediately RE-friended each other b/c we really ARE friends! :-)

We then talked about who we would consider defriending. What the message is if you defriend them. What the relationship criteria could be if you decide or want to defriend someone. (We are both consultants, we live in a world of criteria). Is it pett? Are we just playing into drama? Or do we need to do it for our self-preservation?

*sigh*

Do you defriend? Have you been defriended? Did it make you feel bad? Good?

Comments

[jaclyn]

FB does not send a message when you defriend someone. I was defriended, and had no idea who did it, until I went to my great-aunt's funeral and my second cousin explained that she was no longer on Facebook and had defriended everyone. I was glad the mystery was solved, since I had wondered if I had accidentally upset someone and they decided to defriend me (there was an article in the NY Times in which someone explained she defriended an aquaintance after one too many "bragging" status updates. )

Oh, and I am a new reader and really like your blog!

[girlphoto]

defriended my ex about a month ago......felt great! I highly recommend!

[col]

i've defriended a bunch of people. some because i actually deleted them from my life (to the extent that is possible) and others because i was just housecleaning and didn't want the extra scraps hanging on.

i have received friend requests from several of the people i had defriended (mostly high school people who probably forgot we had already connected). and i just ignore.

moving on is healthy. it's part of life.

[T.R.]

I defriended once - I think I friended in the first place to see their profile and then realized that "in the day" I wasn't really friends with them in the first place.

More than defriending, I don't accept friends - the wife of an ex tried to friend me many times and yes I did used to know her pretty well in fact, but now that she is married to a former flame, I just thought it was inappropriate?

[a girl in Texas]

I haven't defriended for all the reasons you listed, but may after reading this post. You make some things clear that I kept avoiding. I've people on my FB, for one reason or another, bring back uncomfortable feelings and/or memories. I really don't want to be reminded of that moment in my life...it's all stuffed into who I've become today.

I have been defriended. Not sure why, but feel it isn't my business. Maybe they have moved beyond the emotional guilt I feel with those I've not defriended. My hope is simply that they've moved beyond that point in their life that I knew and that it isn't anything personal with me. I don't believe it is!

In any event, I do wish them the best.