I can't believe we are on the cusp of the end of the year. Winter is coming. It's chilly. And as of this weekend, it's going to be dark at 5pm. This is the time of the year where, without fail, since I turned 30....I start to get anxious.
I can go pretty much months and months and maybe even a whole year (ok, not really) without having acute anxiety. I'm completely built on time.
What I mean by that is that I am a person who places lots of value on time. I believe that time does heal wounds (not all wounds, but it does heal some). I believe that time is what we need to manage life. But, for me, I tend to turn time against myself. I start thinking of it as countdowns to accomplishments, milestones and if I'm being perfectly honest....sometimes I link it to how I see my own success. Not to mention, I'm usually not ever really late. I'm quite punctual, as many people will attest! :-) I'm the one who is usually standing there waiting for you! As a result, every year as November approaches. I start to freak out a bit inside because this is the "time" of year where I start to reflect and conduct my own scorecard. It wasn't easy to get to this place to be able to see what I do to myself. You see...now that I've explained how time affects me, here's how I feel it.....
November 7th - my birthday. Another year older. Egads. Holiday madness begins. I start to reflect on my life and what I've done and haven't done. 3 weeks later - November 25th - Thanksgiving. Marking the official start of the holiday season, which will go quickly. People out being festive, parties. Revel. Christmas and then.....New Year's Eve. The official demarcation that the year is over. Look back at the year, regrets, achievements, getting older. Wondering what's next. Over reflection. Some things felt like they were just a few days ago....some things we actually can't even believe were in the past calendar year. And for me, every year, I think of the things I wanted to do and didn't. I can't help it!! I hate it b/c it makes me feel bad about myself. It is my own saboteur. My own self trying to make me feel less than happy.
I wish this wasn't the way I am programmed. But, I've suffered from depressive tendencies most of life. I owe some amazing years of therapy earlier in life that taught me how to manage and deal with evil self-mutilating tiny part of me. I've gotten rid of it now, however, like a well-oiled manipluative machine, this time every year it tries to take me down.
Not this year, my saboteur! *insert image of me weilding my glowing warrior He-Man sword.."by the power of Greyskull....I have the POWER!!!!"
Ahem. Sorry. :-)
I'm facing it head on. Yes, there are things in my life that I wish were different. We all do. But, I'm happy. I have family and friends. I laugh. I'm peaceful. I know what I like. I know what I don't like. I know what I want to spend my time on. I know what I don't. I can travel (more on that in a minute) and like who I am. Which is really quite a nifty feeling. I think I spent most of my adult life, thinking I wasn't smart enough, pretty enough, successful enough. I now sit in a place where some of those things are not true and some of them are no longer as important as I made them to be.
I'm looking at the next 2 months in less of a, "OMG" anxious way like I usually do. I'm looking at it as fun, excitement and good times! Look forward! Leave things behind. Not rolling around in it until I'm muddied and blah.
I'm not going to lie.....I am not having my usual birthday celebration or gathering this year. I decided that I just didn't want to call attention to my additional year b/c maybe I'll just celebrate bigger and better next year for the big 4-0!!
:0)
I am leaving on Monday for my 2.5 week vacation to ASIA! Yes, this is the time of the year that I do my biggie vacation! This is Asia for the 2nd year in a row. I love it! I see family, I shop. I eat...and I add on a different part of Asia I have never been to before. This year, I am returning to Japan, but not going to Toyko! I am going to the southern area of Japan known as Kyushu region, known for hot springs, a volcano, Nagasaki (WWII bombing) and Okinawa (yes, "Karate Kid 2" land!). I'll also be making my usual Hong Kong and Taiwan stops to see my brother and my beloved grandma ("A-ma" in Taiwanese).
I will be back by Thanksgiving. I worked this vacation in to my new job (which is going well!). The holidays will begin (um, or maybe they already have. I have seen Christmas decorations up! WTF?) and I'm going to SF this year for New Years to be reunited with the crew!
I'll be blogging from my trip. In fact, I'll probably blog more than I have in the last few months! I'll have T-I-M-E....heh.
Who knows, maybe this year I'll have another story to tell you in my humility about my family's concern over my love life! Remember the bird fortune teller last year??
More soon, peeps....if you are still reading.....
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